But listen closely
Not for very much longer
I've got to...keep control
I don't know how long I'll keep this going. I needed a place for all of the tremendously negative energy I've been generating for myself lately. A place I can say things I wish I was courageous enough to say to the people who need to hear them. Things like...
It takes everything I have to not act on thoughts of killing myself. Daily.
It won't be very long until I can't hold on anymore, though. But that's really okay, because honestly, the world isn't any different without me. It's selfish for me to be alive, stealing air, using up resources. I'd be doing the planet a tiny favor by leaving it. No great loss. Every day I'm alive is just another day I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. My cowardice stems not from a hesitation on ending my life, but on what will happen if I try and I'm not successful. Then I'm condemned to hospitals, therapy, people who have no idea what a worthless spat of goo I am telling me that it's my DUTY to stay alive, knowing nothing about me and only fulfilling an obligation. I can say with full and utter confidence that if a button materialized in front of me right now that I could press and assuredly and painlessly end my life within the heartbeat, I would press it. With both hands. It's the idea of living after an attempt that nigs at me, pulls me back. Living with another failure to compound my multitude of failings, another facet of pain to add to the pain that is already here.
There are only so many weights people can hold on themselves. Crushing lonliness, that's one, feeling the perennial failure, another. Being ugly beyond all reason could be added in there as well. The fact is, it's pretty easy to replace people like me, we're a dime a dozen. In fact, this very blog is a dime a dozen, among other blogs that people respond to because it makes THEM look better, even if they don't know the person debating the merits of their own life. I really don't know how long I'll last before the rust eats through the metal flooring of my pysche, but it'll be interesting to see.
The thing is, I'd just settle for one person, one, who I could matter to. All of my friends, they're perfectly capable of living life without me. I'm a perennial second choice and second best as well as a perennial failure. Most times I'm not even second choice, but I guess I'm on the list, you know, somewhere. I guess it's particularly biting because everyone else is getting engaged, getting married, getting together with everyone else about how engaged and married they all are. It's a definite isolator. Sometimes I just want to scream at them, when they say things like "Oh, it's so hard to spend a WHOLE DAY without him. Whatever will I do??" I just want to yell "Try spending a whole LIFE without ANYONE". Knowing that you're sentenced to being alone forever, when all you'd want is someone to confide in and to trust. It's so easy for them, so fucking easy to cluck their tongues and say "Oh, it will happen someday", when they're all sheltered off. It's so fucking easy to be pretty and have your whole life taken care of for you, to have people care if something happens to you. If I show that I'm sad, I get told not to be such a Debbie Downer, but if they're sad, it's time to fucking nurture them.
Another day older, another day uglier, another day with everyone's happiness shoved in my face. It really does take a good amount of energy to sustain forced happiness. Fake it to make it is such shit, really. It all is. If this mood prevails, I shan't think I'll last too very long. I'll give myself three months. Maybe, (HA HA HA) maybe it'll all turn around by then. Maybe I'll finally pluck up the courage to do something right for a goddamn change and jump off the fourth level of the parking structure next time I get half the chance.
I've thought about it, you know. How I'll do it. Jumping from a height, taking pills, finding or getting a gun. Jumping seems pretty reliable, if you're high enough up. Guns are a little less trusty. Pills are the least trusty of all, your digestive system betrays you, or your sensibilities, before you've taken the lethal dose, you pass out only to wake to crushing failure. Another time, though. Another time I'll talk about that.
In the meantime, here's to hoping I die in an accident of some sort and this whole waiting game gets lifted off of me!
